The White Thumb

When I chose to start this gardening blog it was because something was shifting in my life and I wasn’t sure what or how things would shift but I knew I needed an outlet. I knew I needed something that might reconnect me with myself. At the time it was the beginning of spring and so I was like OH gardening, I love gardening. Maybe I could write and take pictures of my gardening in hopes of helping people who may even know less about it than I do. I didn’t want to claim that I was a pro gardener which is why I called it the White Thumb. In all my 32 years on this planet I have never really found my “gift”. I have had to learn everything I know. The only thing that I can think of that has been with me since I can remember is my love for helping others, creating friendships (genuine ones), and being able to read people. But the one person I couldn’t seem to read, love, or be friends with was myself. Or could I and I was avoiding it because I didn’t like what I saw? Gardening was part of the process in providing myself with the space to deal with this and ultimately was a stepping stone into transformation of self this year.

This year, 2023, has been all about me getting to know myself. The self that I have neglected all throughout my 20’s, 2 years into my 30’s, and maybe even my whole life. The self I knew was there but when I would see her I would shy away, didn’t know how to reach her, or I wasn’t ready to. An example of that is when you look in the mirror and peer into your own eyes and once you make eye contact with yourself, you avoid yourself and look elsewhere. I wanted to be able to look into my own eyes and say “hi” and know who she is and not avoid her. This was not a new years resolution, it just happened. My husband and I were emotionally working towards getting ready to start a family and I knew in my core there was a couple of hurdles I needed to get over in order to be my best self for my husband and my future kiddos. Not only did I need to get to know myself better but I wanted to take a deep breath and enjoy the life we have created together. The one way I knew how to do that was by starting therapy again. I finally felt READY to dive in! I was excited rather than overwhelmed or scared. Yes, I had a little bit of that, but I was so ready. I think a big reason behind that is having a supportive partner that loves me unconditionally. I have never experienced an unconditional love from a partner in the way that he loves me. It is pretty fucking incredible. I knew he existed but once I found him, he was better than I had imagined.

Taking the time to garden and write this blog with my husbands support let me sit with myself and analyze why I started. Was I doing this to get closer to me or maybe to get further away and avoid myself? It seemed I was using this as an outlet to relieve stress and negative thoughts. It was similar to a workout, but just like my workouts it wasn’t enough. The endorphins weren’t lasting and I was starting to need something more. My stress, negative thoughts, and anxiety would come back in quicker everyday. I quit drinking caffeine and I barely ever drink alcohol. I was meditating and still those feelings came creeping back in shortly after. I was running out of options. I had been going to therapy for a few months and I have been slightly resistant to taking medication, but after all this time I knew I needed help outside of myself. With my husbands continuous support I was ready to try something new.

I went into my next therapy appointment with determination to figure out a solution. Rather than going in there without a plan and just letting the conversation flow, I knew I needed to go in and say okay here are the issues I am currently dealing with and here is how they are effecting me. My husband and I noticed patterns of when my anxiety seemingly got worse and better, so I was able to bring this information to my Psychologist. With that small amount of determination, information, and a plan, she diagnosed me with something within the first 10 minutes of our conversation! Something I had absolutely been dealing with all throughout my 20’s and maybe even my teens, but didn’t know there was anything that could be done about it or that it was even a thing lol! I was not alone, I am not crazy, and there is a reason!!!! Hallelujah, having that clarity made me feel much better all by itself AND there was a medication for it! Not only was there a medication, but you can take it as needed, not continuously, and if I ended up needing to I could! My worry and i’m sure a lot of peoples worry was becoming dependent on a medication (which is totally okay and necessary for some) but I personally like to start small and then if I need to increase the amount or the dosage I could, as long as I try smaller options in the beginning which is why it took me so long to take any meds at all. I am no stranger to anxiety and depression. It runs in my family and it is openly talked about, so I am open to anything and everything, but in my own way, and on my own time.

I am so grateful to have had this revelation and to have found it through what some might see as daily mundane tasks such as working out and gardening. Those things have brought me closer to myself. I am also amazed at how my partner can be such an amazing mirror for myself, but without judgement. One of the most loving mirrors and although in the beginning and even still, it is hard to “look” at myself which sometimes comes out as anger/defensiveness towards him, I am so grateful to have had the space to go through that discomfort with the best partner I could have ever asked for.

This journey is not over and will never be over, but this transition has been a big one and now a happy one. I plan on writing about what the diagnosis is and how it has lead me to make other changes in my daily life to become closer with myself and ultimately has helped me be a better partner to my husband. It is something that I think more people need to know about. People may or may not have heard of it, but it is more common than we think. If people just knew more about it, it could help improve peoples lives just like it has mine.

Happy living & gardening! Go find yourself through your gardening, and any other daily “mundane” tasks. You won’t regret it!