The White Thumb

Hello again! If you are reading this and haven’t read my last post you should totes go back and read it! It will help provide more context to what I am talking about in this post.

A little recap…. this year has been a transformative year to say the least. I have been focusing more on myself this year then I have ever been able to or allowed myself to in my life. A huge part of that is having a loving safe space to be able to do so. My safe space is at home with my husband <3, my immediate family outside of my home, and the support of a few friends (you know who you are).

The things that have happened are big for me, but they have been happening at a steady pace so I have been able to get through each moment with a little grace. Just to list a few things; I started therapy again, began gardening and learning more about it, started a blog, quit Crossfit, started pilates and running, worked for a company that laid off 815 of my coworkers/friends, 5 of those people being my teammates (this came with many structural changes), quit my job about 5 months later, and we are now gearing up to start a family.

Not only are these big changes for me, but they are also big changes for my husband, so open communication is key to getting through these things.

Fun fact, the etymology of the word QUIT did not start out meaning to “give up”. When the word was first used it derived from the old French word “quite” and meant  “excused, exempt, free, clear” and the Medieval Latin word “quietus” which meant “free”!  Check it out here. Needless to say I am proud of my “quitting” this year because it brought me closer to myself and I was able to leave behind things that just weren’t serving me anymore.

Communication with my husband is the BIGGEST thing that lead me to where I am now. At the beginning of the year lets just say I wasn’t good at it. I would let things fester, boil up, and then explode which I knew was a problem, but I didn’t have to face it until it got to be too much. That’s when I was like okay, it is time for a change and we need to figure this out. Therapy! My husband and I decided therapy was a good plan for me and then we would go from there.

So, I found a Psychologist near our home and got an appointment on the books for February. My first thought was “oh gosh, that’s a month away”. So I began to think of ways to help myself leading up to the appointment. I continued with my workouts before work. Then I found an incredible podcast which you may have heard of before “we can do hard things” with Glennon Doyle, Amanda Doyle, and Abby Wambach. This is something I still listen to almost everyday and helps me personally feel like i’m not alone! I highly recommend it. It also provides me with a lot of other amazing resources like podcasts, apps, and books! This really helped me fall into a self help pattern that I plan on continuing as my life evolves and as I experience new hard things!

A HUGE part of my stress was my job. After so many people were laid off I tried to go back in with a good attitude and continue to work in the way I had been for the past 5 years. Let’s face it, this happens in big corporate companies and to be honest we knew it was coming we just didn’t know when. This was hard. The team I was on had changed tremendously, the workload changed even though we were told it wouldn’t, the people/culture were definitely different and not in a way I enjoyed. It was a struggle trying to maintain a positive outlook when so many things just weren’t good. I was beginning to realize this company no longer aligned with my values and that maybe the corporate life just wasn’t for me even though I didn’t want to admit it. The corporate politics are against everything that I am as a human being and everything the company used to be when it was smaller. I am a creative, compassionate, emotional human being and I am not someone who is just out for myself and does what I need to do in order to climb the corporate ladder even though I thought maybe I could be. If I was going to climb, I wanted everyone else to come along with me and that just isn’t how that works. What a freaking bummer. While all of this was happening I communicated this to my husband and then the time came.

It was too much. I was coming home every evening fuming. This little corporate bubble I was in was taking over my mental health and was bleeding into my home. I couldn’t compose myself while at work and I was not okay. Here I am trying to make myself better and this was just holding me back. Yes, I do think it was an incredible life experience, but the time had come for me personally. I needed to leave after 5+ years. What was I going to do next? I had NO clue. Scared out of my mind I had the conversation with my husband. “I can’t do this anymore.” His response….. “okay”. In the sweetest tone ever.

I had already started this blog and because deep down inside I knew this was coming prior to it happening. People who knew they layoffs were coming and worked closely with us totally changed their demeanor. I even kept notes prior saying “they’re acting more authoritative and doing work that usually are things my teammates work on”. We just knew…. and it was also becoming a trend amongst most tech companies at the time post Covid…. fucking Covid.

After my husband said “okay” I asked what he meant by that or if there were any expectations of what my plan should be after and he gave me an open ended “we’ll figure it out”. Over multiple conversations we came to the conclusion that we would be okay and that his biggest concern was making sure that I would be mentally okay not having a work schedule until I find something I enjoy. I was also concerned about this, I basically felt as though I was doing a trust fall into my husbands arms, the biggest trust fall of my life. “We will figure it out” is all I kept repeating to myself in my head. I sent in my letter of resignation and gave them 4 weeks. I felt as though I left on a good note and I wished everyone the best. We are all just doing our best with the tools that we have and that is all that really matters.

After leaving my job you think I would feel free and joyful…. well that was far from what I was actually feeling at the time. The anxiousness was creeping in on my first day off, but I allowed myself to sit with the discomfort. Change is hard and I needed to allow myself time to get acclimated while continuing to communicate my feelings with my husband. I didn’t want to feel like I was in it alone. Welp this took up until this week, so about 1 1/2 months and there are days that I still feel this way while figuring out what’s next.

I am able to cook for my family, do laundry, and schedule some home maintenance. I have been cooking homemade Mediterranean meals 4 days out of the week for the past 2 months. Yes, I also did this before I quit my job, but man is it so much more enjoyable now. My husband and I can eat for left overs for lunch each day and then we eat out or eat more left overs the other 3 days! I’ve helped my dog lose 4 pounds by running 2-3 miles 3 days a week (she was sneaking kitty food and got a little pudgy). We go on 3 mile walks every night as a family and this is also our communication time! All these things are things I was able to do while maintaining a 9 to 5, but it wasn’t nearly as enjoyable as it is now. Our kitties are on a new eating regimen to help one of them lose some weight. I have personally have lost about 10 pounds since July in a healthy way and I have never felt more ready to start a family! Its almost like the shedding of what wasn’t good for me help me shed some built up stress in my body. I am also taking time to organize our house and I have more time to write in my blog. None of these things bring in money, but they sure as hell bring us joy!

Our society teaches us that in order to be of any value, you should be bring home a paycheck. This is NOT true. Everyone is valuable! Working parents/partners & stay at home parents/partners are all valuable. Each family has different needs and there is not a one size fits all for how we live our lives in each individual home.

All of these changes have made an incredible impact on my life this year and most of it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have a supportive, communicative partner. I am extremely grateful.

I do understand that not everyone has a choice as far as going to work or even where they work, but you can make choices around how you live your life outside of work. Starting off with little changes like making the bed in the morning. That can lead to more little choices and before you know it you’ve changed your life and your home.

CHEERS to all of you out there who are going through a transitional phase and the ebb and flow of life. We can do hard things!

Keep an eye out for my next post where I will talk about my new diagnosis and how it has changed my life for the better! Then back to gardening as we prepare for winter!

Happy living and gardening!