The White Thumb

I am beyond excited about this post. While some people may look at this like a negative (because no one really likes to be told they have problems understandably so) I have never been more fucking elated! This news was good news. My outbursts of emotions once every month had a REASON!? I just thought “omg i’m a raging bitch” “what is wrong with me” but deep deep down I knew that wasn’t me. I know I am a good person who just needed extra help during that time. After years and years of dealing with this emotional struggle, I now know what it is and why I am like this! I have had tears of fucking joy ever since!

Mk so let’s start off with what PMDD is. It is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. From what I understand it is a much more intense version of PMS and is a hormone related disorder. During your luteal phase which lasts about 2 weeks, you’re central nervous system basically reacts negatively to your hormones. If you would like more information/specifics about this please see a doctor and or research it, but I will tell you what I experienced and what helped me and my Psychologist diagnose it.

For years and years I have been dealing with my central nervous system and really didn’t think about it, understand it, or start REALLY working on it until this year. It has been most prevalent within my relationships with family, significant others, and sometimes even in the workplace. Every so often I would become extremely agitated, sad, and or very angry. Basically all the moods but it was unnecessary for whatever circumstances they would appear in. I also had bouts of body dysmorphia and was usually depressed. When I “snap” it is an immediate reaction, it is completely out of my control (or so it seemed), and there is no time for processing emotions. The best way I can describe it is like a dog or animal that is fixated on prey. There is almost nothing you can do to snap them out of it until they’re finished attacking. I know, I know, sounds a bit aggressive, but I mean we are animals too… so it is very similar and almost identical. In the moment my feelings and reaction feel completely justifiable, but then once my nervous system has time to cool down after the snap I realize it was completely irrational.

This is the part that takes work and self love as well as a supportive forgiving partner that loves you unconditionally. Love with conditions will only get in the way of being able to apologize and work on yourself. If you have a supportive partner or family member you need to understand, while they may be supportive and love you unconditionally now, this cannot keep happening otherwise that supportive family member or partner may get to the point where they no longer have the patients and forgiveness anymore and understandably so. Be sure to hold yourself accountable even when it is hard. Working on yourself is a noticeable action that can be viewed as love! Acceptance….ughh this is hard. Admitting when you are wrong to a partner or family member is very challenging and takes a lot of emotional energy even when they ARE supportive. So imagine what it feels like to do that with a partner who isn’t…. well it doesn’t typically happen. It takes humility and some self coaxing maybe in a closet alone (this is what I do) in order to build up the courage to confront the situation with your partner. It takes a lot of emotional strength to admit you were wrong even to yourself. It makes me tear up thinking about it. It is fucking HARD! Sit in that closet in the discomfort and know you can take as long as you need to fully grasp and understand the situation for what it is. If your partner ends up finding you and asks you what you are doing, politely ask for some space and say you are processing your emotions. If you address it too soon you may not be ready for what is to come. Keep in mind and be ready to accept any constructive criticism/tough love that comes your way after your apology. Make sure to take the time to mentally prepare yourself for that because if you don’t your defensiveness will take over and sadly you might go back to where you started.

Back to your regular programing of PMDD talk. My husband noticed a pattern that I also didn’t want to admit at first, but the more he called it out the easier it was for me to see… he was right damnit. It happened prior to every period. Once we recognized this, I was able to mentally prepare myself for that time of month. I worked my ASS off trying to remain calm and work on my communication skills during those two weeks. Unfortunately it didn’t work out, doing it on my own that is. As I wrote in my previous post I did EVERYTHING. I cut out caffeine, I worked out regularly, I was seeing a Psychologist regularly, I meditated, and I ate healthy! While all of this definitely helped, it just wasn’t enough. I could still feel the stress in my belly. This was me trying my hardest and being consistent.

So I went to my Psycologist with a plan and told her everything I just told you. Within the first 10 minutes she said PMDD! I personally had never heard of it before. So I was ecstatic to hear a diagnosis! She then went on to tell me about Prozac which I am super familiar with because my family members have used it for anxiety and depression. For PMDD you can take a small dosage as needed! This was my first time being open to medication after years and years of trying to curb my anxiety and depression with only working out and eating healthy.

Now I call them my happy pills lol. I am calm and able to process my emotions with more grace. The anxious pain in my stomach has gone away. I couldn’t be happier. I can love my husband in the way he deserves and not only that, I can love myself! I have never been happier and it is noticeable to the people who are closest to me. My body dysmorphia is like nonexistent which is wonderful and I feel at home in my body. I am able to come as I am where ever I go. Take it or leave it I AM ME! What a fucking relief. With all of this said I still have had a couple of slip ups with my snapping but I am aware of it and I am able to see it for what it is and continue to work on myself.

OH how the ebb and flow of life works. You learn more and more about yourself through the years and if you allow yourself to heal, you can evolve. Healing is a life long process and it takes a lot of forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others in order to continue on that path, but once you master that skill, nothing can hold you back.

Happy living ❤

Love BB