The White Thumb

Okay so, I started making sourdough thanks to my friend Courtney and I am sitting here waiting for my second stretch and fold…. Not me sitting here thinking about the next 30 minutes that ill have to get dressed for my workout haha. If you bake sourdough you know what i’m talking about.

It has been 7 months since I left my job! Finally it is no longer a part of my identity and I am not attributing it to my worth anymore. I have found my worth in my existence. I have found joy in spending more time with my husband and my animals and I no longer wonder if my husband still loves me even if I don’t currently work. I overthink everything, but I am getting better at not doing that. With that said I still strive to learn and see what I like in hopes of maybe finding something that I could turn into a career or not! We still have our separate hobbies and friends but we also have our things together which is wonderful.

Oop, timer just went off…. BRB!

Okay back I had time to rinse off in the shower and get my workout clothes on. Then I am going to work out the following 30 minutes and probably will have to come tend to my bread before i’m finished.

Anywho, life has been good. I have been reading A LOT more than I ever have in my life because my mind has the capacity to do so. My day to day is always different with the things that I do, the people I see, and the emotions I have. I do still have days filled with anxiety from time to time but it has been less and less. I now have the time to understand and learn about myself without feeling overwhelmed and the biggest thing I do is “give myself grace” when things aren’t so great in my life or in my head. Most of the time its in my head and I can see the difference. “Ebb and flow” is something I continuously say in my head. “Okay today is not your best day and thats okay, go relax.”

Having a partner who has given me space to heal and be myself without judgement has ultimately given me the courage to do that for myself… it’s been a process. I am now able to be here for him in the way that I have always wanted to be because I have shown up for myself. There has been a lot of humility and discomfort in this process and I think that is the hardest part. For the longest time it felt too scary to talk about my past, but this past year has been the best. Now that I have experienced all the discomfort it makes me less afraid to be uncomfortable. I am in the habit of being uncomfortable and having uncomfortable conversations with people. My communication is much stronger, I have more confidence, and my ego is slowly disappearing. I can show up for myself and others with so much more ease and less fear.

GAHHH I feel free from my mind…. most of the time. I take care of myself in the way I like to take care of others. I look at myself as if I am an innocent human being who is learning to live because it is all of our first times living this life after all and what would life be without lessons?

I can proudly say I love my life, I love myself, I love my partner, and I love my family. I can even say these things on a bad day now which was very hard for me to do before because of the lack of knowing how to love myself. At the age of 32 I have learned how. It was a long process that included therapy, communication, and a LOT of work daily.

All of this to say, take care of yourself no matter what it takes. It is WAY easier said than done but you will free yourself from the restraints of your mind and is it powerful. It changes every aspect of your life. Your work, your relationships with others, with yourself, your hobbies, I mean anything and everything you can think of. It opens your mind to new possibilities because you are thinking more clearly I just can’t recommend it enough.

Where do you start?

Well we are all different in many ways but here is how it worked for me. End of 2022 I was allowing myself to recognize how I was feeling and how I was reacting to certain situations. I started to communicate with my family about it and boy did that take a lot of energy and humility! I had to coax myself to do it. I didn’t want to because in all honesty it was embarrassing to me at the time. Vulnerability is hard. My husband and I discussed me getting into therapy (even though I know he knew I needed it far before I was ready to talk about it). He supported me and let me come to him on my own time. I took the step to look up Therapists around me. I found a place that gave me a good feeling and had good reviews. Then I took the steps to book my appointment. My appointment was a month out and I asked myself, okay what are some steps I can take now to help myself in the meantime. Not participating in social media stuff for a while, reading, less caffeine, working out, getting good sleep, noticing when I was getting upset, etc. I took things one day at a time and it was going well.

Once I started therapy it gave me inspiration to try new things and just continuing on the upward path that I was on, but I kept saying embrace the ebb and flow. I would and still do have bad days, but I handle them so much better now. Some of my original reactions to things are nonexistent, sometimes they show up as a mental fork in the road and I can make a conscious decision of which road to take. Do I take the high road? Hopefully, but sometimes I don’t and then i’m like UGH I had a choice and I made the wrong one. Then I say “that’s okay this is a continuous journey”. If my decision affected my husband in anyway, like if it was a conversation between the two of us that went south, once I recognize I could have handled it better I apologize and then explain that I had a choice and I made the wrong one. We then usually have a conversation about it embrace each other and move on.

I do want to be clear, when I am continuously talking about myself and how I am working on things doesn’t mean my husband isn’t working on himself too. We definitely both put in major work to be able to better communicate and care for each other. He is 100% receptive to any and all feedback I give him and I am trying to be the same and this is why I love our relationship. It is a TWO WAY STREET. Like I have said in most of my posts… communication is key.

When I started writing this post I had no idea what I was going to write. Was I going to write about sourdough or life. Welp, I guess I went back to life lol. Hopefully this resonates with someone!!

Love,

BB