The White Thumb

I am packed and ready to go! Waiting to start my next book when we fly out tomorrow because I finished reading one last night so I thought it might be nice to hop on here and write a little.

What a year! I have felt more alive this year then I have since I was a kid. Living in the moment and feeling all my feelings and trying to understand them. Experiencing ups and downs of trying to start a family… mostly ups. Fertility testing, Therapy, and Patience. The patience that is required when trying to start a family is a whole different ballgame lol. Not to toot my own horn, but I am the most patient person trying to start a family I think haha. It is what it is and what will be, will be i guess. I literally have no control over the situation other than fertility testing and timing so the only thing to do is to have “fun” with it. No amount of googling or talking with people will make it happen any faster. No one can fix it for you and in that way it can be a lonely process.

Its been 9 months of trying now which is not long at all compared to a lot of couples journeys but the longest 9 months ever at the same time. I have good days and bad with how I feel about it, but mostly good. Im just grateful to be here trying to create a little baby with my best friend! Like how exciting?! The best parts of our lives haven’t even happened yet. Also, we are still in the year range for trying and taking the steps to make it happen.

When witnessing others get pregnant and having families I can honestly say there isn’t what I would consider to be jealousy but there IS a LOT of emotion. It’s the emotion of happiness and extreme want. I want that and then I cry because it’s so wonderful watching others experience it. I just can’t wait. I only write this because I am sure there are people who may be curious about how people feel when they’re trying but haven’t been successful yet and I just want to share how I personally feel. Knowing that I will have a family someday whether it’s naturally, IUI, IVF, surrogate, adoption….. it will happen.

All of this to say I am so glad we get to go on this cruise! Had I gotten pregnant earlier in the year I wouldn’t be able to go. I get to spend time with my husbands family and I am SO excited haha. I also got to go on a trip to Kelley’s Island with people I love and we had a blast so I wouldn’t change a thing!

I’m curious how others feel about their journeys trying to conceive and how they feel when seeing others get pregnant. I know it is so hard in some ways and then wonderful in others.

….I’ve been back from the cruise for two months now haha. It was a blast!!! I drank espresso martinis because I couldn’t hang since I normally go to bed at 9 lol. No, I have not given up things like drinking once in a blue moon to enjoy myself. I rarely drink anyways but I refuse to give up little simple things people claim you shouldn’t do while trying to conceive! I think thats why I feel sane.

Since I have been back from vaca we have found out I have a slightly under active thyroid have been on meds for a month. Now my numbers are in the optimal range for TTC. WOOHOO there’s a small win. Then we waited to see if I would conceive and I haven’t yet so in a week I will be getting an HSG procedure done. Super pumped to cross this off my list and take next steps whatever those might be depending on those results.

While I feel like this journey has been longer and harder than I anticipated, I also think about the day we have a baby in our arms and how much that baby is wanted and loved already. Especially with how hard it has been to get there. I CANNOT wait…. but I will wait as long as I need to and do whatever it is I need to do to get there.

I am mostly an open book when sharing struggles like this because you would be amazed at how many great conversations come out of these posts of mine. It allows me to connect with people and also let people know that they’re not alone. People can read this and know they aren’t alone without having to interact with me at all if these conversations make them uncomfortable. THAT brings me joy. Or people may just think i’m a nut and thats okay too haha.

Also, thank you to all of the women who have let me know their experience with HSG! It has been so helpful and really showed me how many of us do this!

To all the mommas who had trouble conceiving or who were unable to conceive I love you and I see you. I am sorry you’ve had to go through all of this and more.

Thinking of you always with love,

BB